7 Weirdos You Will Encounter in the Men’s Locker Room
The men’s locker room is the one area of the gym I try to avoid at all costs. A room full of naked, sweaty dudes where wet towels are left to mold and the smell of Hades enters your nostrils within your first few steps of entry.
It’s not a place I want to be. Unfortunately, the locker room can’t be avoided all the time and sometimes we are forced to enter this black hole.
However, it seems that for some guys the locker room is their safe place. It becomes their haven where they feel comfortable doing just about anything they would do in their home bathroom. If I didn’t know any better I would assume some of the individuals I’ve observed have made the locker room their second home and just never leave.
Related: The 10 Biggest Gym Douchebags
If you have ever stepped foot in a men’s locker room at the gym I am sure you have come across some interesting sights and indescribable sounds. But, for the most part there is a consistency. There are the same dudes you will see week after week performing their normal locker room routine.
These are the 7 guys you will encounter, or may have already encountered, in your local gym locker room.
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Warning! – 7 Men’s Locker Room Hazards
#1 – The Bench Sitter
This guy has cemented himself on one or multiple benches within the locker room. He’s got his shoes on one bench, his gym bag on another bench, and he’s lying down with a towel around his waist (if you’re lucky) on a third bench. This guy may have even brought his own pillow and is sprawled out across two benches working on today’s crossword puzzle.
This guy uses the locker room as his space for a little ‘me time’ when he’s done working out. He gets comfortable and watches SportsCenter on the locker room TV’s until his wife calls him asking him where he’s been for the last 6 hours.
#2 – The Shaver
If you’re running late to a date or just finished a quick pump before a morning interview then I understand your need to do a quick shave before leaving the gym. But, remember, this is a public space.
Nobody wants to wash their hands in a sink full of your facial hair, so control it and clean up after yourself. There’s no reason to be flinging your razor full of shaving cream and excess hair all over the mirrors, counters, and sink.
#3 – The Hand Dryer
The hand dryer is the guy who has decided it’s a good idea to use the hand dryer, designed for drying hands, as a device designed to dry his entire body. This guy has made a choice to not use towels anymore to dry his body and walks straight from the shower directly to the hand dryer.
First, he starts with drying the hair, squatting down to get his head under the spout. The final steps after the hair is dried include contorting his body in pretzel formations so that the dryer will reach every part of his body. This guy makes you want to go buy a towel for him just so you don’t have to see his body move in those positions anymore.
#4 – The Air Dryer
Similar to The hand dryer, this individual has decided towels are not his thing, but rather the brisk air that fills the locker room is what will dry his body. This guy will be doing laps from one end of the locker room to the other, butt-naked until mother- nature has dried his body.
If you see The air dryer walking around, be sure to keep your hands as close to your body as possible or you may end up touching something that will scar you for life.
#5 – The Trimmer
Similar to the shaver, except this individual can’t wait to trim his body hair at home. He must, for some reason, get this trimming completed in the gym locker room. Once the hair trimming is complete this guy will move onto trimming his fingernails and toenails, firing nail-shrapnel all over the locker room.
Whether its nose hair, ear hair, or nail trimmings, this individual doesn’t clean up anything because he enjoys building a shrine to himself on the floor of the locker room made entirely from his body trimmings.
#6 – The Talker
There’s a good chance this guy has similar attributes as the bench sitter, except this dude will want to know everything about you including your workout plan, what you eat, your social security number, and what kind of socks you would recommend.
You just want to get in the locker room, change, and get to your workout. But, not so fast. The Talker has intercepted you to ask you how you got so big or how you got so lean and before you know it the sun’s going down and you’re losing gains by the second.
#7 – The Sweater
This guy uses his gym membership for one purpose only: spa/sauna/steam room. This dude is just here to ‘get his sweat on’ by doing the least amount of physical activity as possible. He doesn’t lift. He doesn’t hit the treadmill. He’s not even sitting down on the recumbent bike to hit the pedals for a couple minutes.
And, don’t get too close to his gym bag because chances are his wet swimsuit from last week is still crumpled up and attempting to dry.
Leaving the Locker Room
If you’re lucky enough you will get in and out of the locker room without encountering any of these individuals. But, chances are, you will find one or more of these dudes cruising around your local gym locker room.
For the ladies, I am sure you’ve got an entirely different list of girls doing interesting things in the women’s gym locker room, so feel free to share. And guys, I am sure there are some individuals I’ve missed so feel free to comment below.
Remember to always practice safe locker room etiquette because being ‘that guy’ or ‘that girl’ in the gym locker room is not a game.