How to Lose Muscle: 4 Ways to Kill Your Gains!
It’s time to kill your bodybuilding gains. Ain’t nobody got time for bigger muscles and shopping for jeans that fit your quads anyhow.
Besides, being large and in charge is getting annoying. Bros at the gym won’t stop asking you questions about your “supplement stack,” fit chicks keep interrupting your workouts begging for a spot, and even your mom is asking you: How much ya bench?
Being HUGE is getting old. Real old. It’s time to head back to Smallville. These seven tips will help you turn back the clock, shrink link a shrinky dink, and fit into your old clothes.
On a serious note, if you’re having difficulty making progress in the gym, this article will help you get on track. Avoid these surefire ways of killing the muscle building progress.
How to Lose Muscle
Tip #1 – Don’t use the best exercises
Forget squats, deadlifts, and the bench presses. Drop barbell rows, military presses, pull ups, Romanian deadlifts, and even curls. These exercises are too difficult, and provide too much bang for your buck.
It’s time to make some inferior choices.
Instead of choosing muscle building exercises that yield the greatest return on investment, try making the worst possible choices. Better yet, toss in exercises that are dangerous. This way, you increase the risk of injury.
Injuries keep you away from the gym. There is no better way to lose muscle than a major strain or tear.
Here are some nasty swaps that are sure to tank your training:
- Swap in Smith machine half squats for barbell deep squats.
- Replace all heavy deadlifts and rows with endless sets of lightweight behind the neck lat pull downs.
- Forget barbell or dumbbell overhead press variations. Stick to front and side laterals.
- In fact, avoid ALL barbell and dumbbell compound movements. Let’s just simplify things.
Pro Tip! If anyone at the gym talks to you about barbell squats or deadlifts, make sure to lie and mention an “old” knee or lower back injury that prevents you from lifting heavy.
Tip #2 – Don’t make every set count
I have a training mantra that I push, and push hard:
If you maximize every set, you maximize every workout. If you maximize every workout, you maximize the muscle building process.
Well, screw this! We don’t want no stinkin’ progress. Try this mantra instead:
If you make every set as lame as possible, you make every workout as lame as possible. If you make every workout as lame as possible, you will completely cripple your progress.
Try this approach. It works! Or doesn’t work, I mean, if muscle building is your goal.
There is no need to push sets hard. There is no need to have a focus and goal going into each set. There is no need to try and beat your previous performance. Instead, focus on improving your gym selfie angles and lightning.
Pro Tip! If someone asks you, “How many sets you have left bro?… Give up the bench or piece of equipment. The fewer sets you do, the less likely you are to make decent progress.
Make sure to use light weight and scream like a banshee. This is a quality way to stay small while looking like an idiot.
Tip #3 – Don’t add weight to the bar
Progressive overload is king! Therefore, we must avoid it. Not only will a light amount or resistance hinder your muscle building progress, but it will also help stave off injuries.
I mean seriously… If you’re moving an amount of weight that wouldn’t challenge a five year old girl, how could it possible contribute to an injury? It won’t!
Instead of adding weight to an exercise when it becomes too easy, simply stagnate. Allow this amount of resistance to feel lighter and lighter.
Coffee is for closers and heavy compound movements are for chumps. We’re the pump and wimpy crew. Our motto: No pain, no gain! NOPE, that’s not it. Our motto is:
No pain, no pain!
Progress equals pain. Progress equals growth. Progress fuels bulging biceps and Conan-like chesticles. Remember, we are trying to avoid this. Keep the weight light at all times.
Pro Tip! When going light, make sure to grunt, groan, moan, shake, and quake. We want to save face and give off the appearance that we’re in the gym for a reason, when we really just want to stay small.
Tip #4 – Eat like crap
Macros? Micros? High protein meals? Um, heck no!
Let’s get to gobbling foods high in junk carbs and low in protein. Hot Pockets. Pop-tarts and Mountain Dew. Little chocolate donuts.
Yes, it’s occasionally OK to have foods that have some protein in them like pizza and fish sticks. But for the most part you want to stick with nachos, French fries, ketchup and white bread sammiches, and gallons of ranch dressing.
Also, don’t count calories. There is no need to make sure you intake a sufficient amount of calories per day, I suggest overeating in you’re after that flubbery, blubbery, perma-bulk with no muscle look. Undereat if you’re after the skinny-fat, 140 pound rock star look.
Whatever type of eating plans that successful bodybuilders, fit chicks, and fitness models use – completely ignore them. Instead, make up your own madness. Why use the advice or professionals.
Dirty bulk, bro! Dirty bulk! If it fits your macros, bro – Wait! We aren’t counting macros at all. Just eat it all!
Pro Tip! Eat whatever you want. When someone calls you on it, just say: “I’m using IIFYM – if it fits your macros.”
But wait, there’s more! If you are really dead set on killing all muscle mass gains, you can also:
- Ignore major muscle groups like shoulders, back and legs. Why bother with some of the largest and most powerful muscle groups in the human body? The fewer muscle groups your work, the less muscle you will build. It’s science!
- Change programs every time one variable doesn’t feel right. Yes, you got that right. Instead of making wise and calculated adjustments when one small aspect of a workout routine doesn’t feel right, just jump ship completely.
- Fail to remain consistent. This is a no-brainer! Why even bother going to the gym more than once or twice a week. There are so many video games to try, and so little time. There are so many fast food restaurants to try, and so little time.